Tag, you're it

The Cosmic Forces have clearly aligned. Sure, #8 seed Butler and #11 seed VCU are in the Final Four, but that's nothing compared to our news: The Leach Gang has won a Tag Team competition for what we believe is the first time ever. Yes, the Leaches sit atop the contestant heap, with an average score of 194.6, easily outdistancing Whiteside and his Detractors (188.2), the Boom Crew (182.0), the Ripley-Believe-it-or-Nots (174), and the Present-and-former-employees-of-Urban-Engineering (168.4).

While no upset can be bigger than that, it's certainly noteworthy that males (187.83) came out on top of females (180.3). Children (177.5) probably shouldn't even be seen.

In the Battle of the Species, the so-called "dumb animals," felines (201.5), spiny anteaters (199.0), and lawyers (196.25) all bested humans (185.93). Spirits from the afterworld (174.0) apparently don't get any better information than the rest of us.

If you're in radio, tv, or motion pictures (204.5), well, you must know something. Practicing attorneys (200.33) and computer specialists (194.0) know more than retired people (192.5), something that accountants (187.4), stock traders (183.5), executives (173.67), and engineers (173.25) can't say. At least in our contest, students (191.17) have found little reason to listen to teachers (185.0).

Interestingly enough, the only contestant who identified himself with UConn (Huffnagle) used his inside info to win the contest. Of those schools with more than one vote, Syracuse (200.0) did best this year, followed by Penn State (190.30), and Duke (187.20). In the Big Five, Temple (185.75), beat out Villanova (180.60) and Penn (164.67), while Big Five wannabe Drexel (198.0) trounced them all. In a battle between schools who didn't make the tournament, Indiana (183.0) slapped around Bucknell (162.5), and this despite Bucky Bison (Bucknell's mascot) sending a birthday card to two-year-old A Ripley. Among Division III schools, Widener (193.0) clobbered Johns Hopkins (184.5).

If you're thinking of changing your name, try Matt (210.5) or Ed (205.0). You could do worse than Kevin (191.0) or David (190.4), as well. And by worse, we mean your name could be Rick (186.5), George (184.67), Mike (183.25), Brett (182.33), or Andrew (182.33). As a public service announcement to all you John (180.75) Doe's out there, we do not recommend Bob(180.2)bing for apples or doing anything in the Nick (178.50) of time.

The best region to pick pools from in 2011 turned out to be Western Pennsylvania (200.5), and this despite their proximity to Butler-victim Pittsburgh. Other prime possibilities for prognostication include the Beltway area (193.60) and the Deep South (188.33). If you live in the Far West (185.0), the Midwest (179.67), or New England (179.0), we recommend you find some other leisure activity. Philadelphia Suburbs (185.89) crushed the Philadelphia Urbs (174.5), but they still couldn't find decent, cheap parking.

Our average contestant (186.83) wasn't nearly as successful as our average commissioner (196.50). So we're taking applications if anybody wants the job.